Games

Top 3 Rules of Real Money Gaming

RulesWAKE UP, SCUMBAGS! My first name is Drill and my last name is Sergeant. And just because you’ve been slacking off boot camp, doesn’t mean I’m gonna be nice to you, ladies! No, it’s not a term of endearment, maggots! Now, drop and give me twenty! No, not push-ups, that was yesterday. You’re doing burpees today!

You’ll be doing 40 burpees per minute while I give you the 5 rules of real money gaming and then, as you rest for a minute, you’ll be repeating them ad nauseam. READY! SET! GO! Faster, you worthless piece of scum! Did you know that military recruits were performing 41 burpees per minute back in 1946? You surely aren’t in worse shape than your frickin great-ghrandfathers, are you?

Rule 1: Grab the Best Welcome Bonus!

Anybody can sign up for a casino but picking one that offers an excellent welcome bonus with favourable conditions is not for fools. Don’t get hooked on the amount – getting a large sum of money is worthless if you don’t have the time to turn it over, for example – but rather use your grey matter and read the fine print. Yes, thinking hurts your brain but it will be good for your wallet in the long run, so get to it. Settle on a site that offers a good first deposit bonus but also a good selection of games that contribute to the wagering requirements and a good validity period.

Rule 2: Play Progressive Jackpot Slots!

Yes, dummy, I’m not gonna get tired of saying it! Pick a slot machine with a nice jackpot to play at! Cute moving pictures may be entertaining but fun and games don’t pay the bills. If it doesn’t have a heap of cash to offer, why waste your time on it? There sure are plenty of slot machines that do have life-changing jackpots in store for even a maggot like yourself. Don’t like slots? Don’t make me laugh! Suck it up at least till you’ve turned that bonus over the required number of times. Don’t you know slots have a 100% contribution to the playthrough requirements? What a fool would play a game with the measly 8% contribution then, huh?

Rule 3: Pick the Best Online Casino!

I’ve already mentioned that registering at a casino is easy – there’re practically hundreds of them – but picking a really good one takes a talent and an eye for detail. And then, there are the best online casino sites – those are the ones you want to play at, because there’s much more to it than just welcome bonuses. There’s safety and security, a variety of payment options and games, and many more points to consider. But don’t worry your heads too much or you’ll forget how to hold your rifle. I’ll make it easy for ya – play at 888 Casino, which was awarded the title “The Best Online Casino of the Year” by realmoney.co.uk.

I said I’d give you 5 rules but since you ain’t the smartest recruits around, I’ll keep it simple and stay with 3 rules for now. In that respect, you’re not dumber than a box of rocks – you’re dumber than the box the rocks came in. REREAT, PRIVATE!

Gambling, Games

Picking The Right Type of Blackjack

Blackjack CardsON YOUR FEET, YOU LAZY ANIMAL! Where do you think you are, kindergarten? There’ no time to be moping around in bed! If you want to do that, go back to your momma’s house, because here we’ve got a jackpot war to be winning, and I’m not going to have your lazy ass ruin our odds when the slots hit, you got that?! Now get down on the ground and give me twenty, soldier! What’s this? You think I’m just a cheap rip-off of the drill sergeant from “Full Metal Jacket”? LET’S MAKE THEM TWO HUNDRED, YOU MAGGOT! If there’s one thing I hate in this entire world, it’s being compared to something or somebody else! There’s only one of me, you stupid ass piece of garbage, and you better remember it, or else I’ll rain fire and brimstone on the watermelon you call a head! Though in fairness, as much as I’d hate to admit it, Private, I can see why you’d think that – in the jackpot wars, many casino games have numerous types and variants, so it’s only fair that your instructor also has variants, right? WRONG! And if you bring it up again you’re going to be running laps around the camp until you throw up your own backside, understood?

Now, the most popular casino game with multiple variant is, of course, roulette, which has European, American and French (probably because some poor bastard didn’t realize France is actually in Europe). There’s also a couple of other, less popular variants, such as “Deal or No Deal Roulette”, but the three I listed earlier are pretty much found everywhere. Of course, I wouldn’t expect a lowly maggot such as yourself to know that blackjack also comes in several variants, the most popular of which are American and European (no French this time, probably because the same poor bastard finally got himself a bloody map). While you can learn more about them, including where to play them, on this excellent site about real money blackjack, I’m going to do my job and drill you on the major differences between American and European blackjack right here, right now, out of the goodness of my heart, and because I don’t want you to get killed as soon as the blackjack wars start.

While in online roulette, the French version offers the best odds while the American has the worst (maybe one day I’ll drill you in on why, exactly, that is), the opposite holds true for blackjack. When given the choice, you should ALWAYS go with the American version and not the European version, as there are several ways in which the American has it better. For example, when a European dealer has a soft 17, they will always hit, but an American one will always hold. That way, if you have 18 or more, you’re guaranteed to win the hand, while a European dealer will risk going bust in order to win. This is probably the biggest advantage that American blackjack offers over European one, but there are a few smaller ones too, such as the ability to surrender and double down on any card and not just on 9, 10 or 11 like in the European variant. Overall, they’re very small advantages, but they do add up over the course of multiple games.

Did you get all of that, maggot? I hope you were writing it down, because I’m not saying it again! Now go out there and make your country proud, dammit! ON THE DOUBLE, MISTER!

Games

Tips For Winning Jackpot Bingo

BingoATTENTION, MAGGOTS! FALL IN! You sorry lot thought that you could take a break from fighting the jackpot wars just because you know a thing or two about slot jackpots, eh? Hah! What a joke! ON THE GROUND AND GIVE ME TWENTY! You miserable little ladies have been here long enough to know that the jackpot wars never end! So what if you know a little bit about slots, big deal! You don’t stop learning how to run just because you know how to walk! There’s many more things you can know about slot jackpots, and even further, there’s plenty of things you can learn about non-slot jackpots! Take, for example, bingo jackpots. What, you didn’t even know that bingo had progressive jackpots?! You see, this is exactly the kind of crap that has sent you here, recruit! Not only are there bingo jackpots, but many of them match or even surpass those found in slots! Just look at this young lady who got £1.2 million from a bingo jackpot (only to then proceed to lose every penny, but the jackpot boot camp can only teach you how to win the jackpot, not what to do with it).

I know what you’re thinking, maggot – “Boy, geez, Drill Sergeant, just how exactly do I win myself a bingo jackpot too?” I DON’T CARE THAT THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU WERE THINKING, WHILE YOU’RE HERE YOU’RE THINKING WHAT I SAY YOU’RE THINKING, GOT IT?! Anyway, because I’m so nice I’ll give you a few tips on how you can maximize your chance of scoring the big break while playing bingo. The first one might seem obvious, but verify that the bingo game in question has a progressive jackpot. It’s not always immediately obvious, and if you don’t see the words “Jackpot” displayed prominently somewhere, just assume that there isn’t one and move on. Bingo games with a progressive jackpot are a bit more expensive, since that extra money goes directly to the pot, but it’s a small price to pay for the chance of winning millions. And besides, there are ways to mitigate it entirely – look for bingo offers and bonuses online. As you know (and if you don’t, SHAME ON YOU, MAGGOT), bingo sites will often give you free money that you can spend on testing the various games out – for example, if you deposit £20, you get another £20 for free. The problem is, to prevent fraud, the second £20 doesn’t count as “real” money – instead, let’s call it play money. It can’t be withdrawn, and any amount you win with play money also gets converted to play money until you bet it and win it a set amount of times. However, if you happen to win the jackpot with play money, you still get to keep it as real money, no questions asked. Which is why it’s generally a very good idea to hunt for the best rated bingo offers online and exploit them whenever you can, since they pretty much give you a free shot at the big jackpot.

Armed with that information, you’ve got everything you need to go out there and win the jackpot war once and for all! HA! As if! The jackpot war never ends, soldier! You may win the battle, but the conflict rages on! Remember that the next time you’re striving for that elusive bingo jackpot! Now FORWARD MARCH, MAGGOTS! Go make your country (and your pockets) proud!

Gambling, Games, Roulette

How to Win Big Playing Roulette

rouletteWelcome back recruits, and congratulations on passing your basic training on jackpot slots. No doubt you have put these valuable lessons into practice by now. So, on to stage two of your training.

Despite the million pound prizes that are up for grabs on progressive slots, they are not the only casino games that enable you to win big money at online casinos. Plus, sometimes you want to play a game with a bit more pizazz and glamour, am I right? Then roulette is the game for you.

There’s a few different approaches you can take in your aim to strike it lucky at the roulette wheel. The biggest payouts can be earned with straight up bets. By betting on a single number, you stand the chance of pocketing a big payout if you guess right. A successful single number bet pays out 35 to 1, a very rewarding sum for a simple spin of the wheel. Yet you can take a different approach and bet on simple chances. These include betting on red/black, even/odd or high/low. Obviously your chances of winning this type of bet are much higher than betting on a single number, and this is reflected in the payout. A successful bet of a simple chance pays out 1 to 1.

So if you want to win big, it’s a pretty simple strategy really. Either go for moderately sized bets on single numbers, or bet high amounts on simple chances. Of course, the bigger your bet, the bigger your potential payout. If you want to try this approach and have a substantial bankroll to play with, then you should look out for casinos with high table limits for roulette. A good starting place would be www.roulettesites.org/high-stakes/ where you will find recommended casinos that provide roulette games with the highest limits to cater to the serious high rollers.

If you don’t have the funds to play with the highest stakes, there is another possible way to walk away from the roulette table minted. That is to play progressive roulette. It works in a similar way to a progressive jackpot slot, in that a small percentage of all the money bet on the game goes into a separate pot, which builds and builds to extraordinary amounts, until the jackpot is cracked.

There are a number of variations of this type of progressive roulette game. One example is Microgaming’s Roulette Royale. In this version, the jackpot is awarded when the ball stops on the same number on five consecutive spins. Of course, the odds of that happening are pretty slim, but as they say, you have to be in it to win it, and when it does happen, it will be a very rewarding payout. Another roulette variant which includes a progressive jackpot is Marvel Roulette from Playtech. This game is a real treat for the eyes, with a variety of characters from the Marvel films included. In the game, you can place an optional side bet on the Marvel Bonus. This gives you a shot at winning the coveted Marvel Mystery Progressive jackpot, which regularly pays out prizes in the tens of thousands of pounds.

Games, Slots

Basic Tips & Tricks for Winning the Jackpot

STAND UP, MAGGOT! What the hell do you think you’re doing sitting around on your comfy little chair browsing Internet blogs? This isn’t 2012, soldier! We’ve got a war to win, and I’ll be damned if we don’t win it! But every war starts with a single bullet! Actually, that’s a lie, most actual wars start with politics and complicated democratic relations, with the only war I can think of which started with a single bullet being World War I, but even that was the result of… Ah-HEM! AS I WAS SAYING, MAGGOT, every war starts with a single bullet! And if you want to be the one who fires that bullet, first you need to learn how to hold a gun! Get ready to get your sorry ass through basic training!

1. Know The Difference Between Jackpots

I bet you didn’t even know that there was a difference between jackpots! You truly are the scum of the Earth, private! There are two different types of jackpots – progressive and fixed. A fixed jackpot is when you always earn a certain sum if you win, for example, 10 000 times your wager. Most slots have that type of jackpot, though not all of them announce it as a jackpot. A progressive jackpot is a different animal entirely – that one accumulates over time, with no limit as to how big it can grow. Let’s say, 2% of all money deposited into the slot goes into the progressive jackpot. So for every £100,000 that players spend, £2,000 gets added to the jackpot, while most of the rest gets dispersed back to the players in the form of winnings. It’s progressive jackpots you should be aiming for if you want to make it big!

2. Know The Conditions Behind Each Jackpot

Every slot offers what’s known as a paytable. It’s a presentation with multiple slide built into the slot which explains its features – bonus games, symbols, paylines, and yes, jackpots, too. There are usually certain conditions behind when you can and can’t win the jackpot, especially as far as progressive jackpots are concerned. For example – you’re not eligible to win unless you’re playing on all paylines, you can’t win during free spins, you can’t win unless your minimum bet is at least X, etc. Be wary of these requirements! The last thing you want is to realize that you’ve been playing wrong after spending £50 on a slot! Generally try to stay away from slots with a lot of conditions unless the jackpots are really great.

3. Have Lots of Accounts

Most online casinos only have 1-2 slots with a huge jackpot. That doesn’t really suit our needs, so we need to find a way to increase our odds. The solution? Have accounts at multiple casinos, of course! Now, you don’t need to be fully committed to all of them, of course, but it’s generally a good idea to have an account and a deposit with at least a few casinos which feature slots with jackpots. That way you can try spinning each one every day until you eventually get lucky. It’s simple maths – the more slots with jackpots you play, the bigger your odds!

Gambling, Games, Poker, Slots

The Jackpot War Starts Here

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ATTENTION, RECRUITS! Present arms! You there! Yes, you, maggot! You think you can win the great jackpot war by ignoring your drill sergeant’s orders, huh? On the floor and give me twenty! You lousy lot may all think that this is all a game, that playing online slots is just a fun little activity to do when you’re bored, and that there’s no way you can possibly win the great Jackpot no matter how much you try. Well, to hell with that! Those are the excuses of pathetic men and women who are never going to smell a jackpot if it came and bit them on the arse! After I’m done with you, you will not be pathetic! You will know exactly what to do, which slots to play, how to play them and where to play them in order to maximize your chance of winning the jackpot. Your training through boot camp will be so hard it’ll make actual military boot camp look like playing soccer against the Special Olympics team! And let me tell you, the actual Jackpot War will be a hundred times tougher than that! But you will fight! You will struggle through it, you will learn, you will improve, and by the time I’m done with you, miserable dirtbags, you’ll be ready to tackle on the world of casino jackpots! Mark my words – if you work hard, and are very lucky, maybe, just maybe, eventually you’ll be able to win a jackpot of your own. At ease, soldier! Go to your tent and rest for now. Your training begins tomorrow.