WAKE UP, SCUMBAGS! My first name is Drill and my last name is Sergeant. And just because you’ve been slacking off boot camp, doesn’t mean I’m gonna be nice to you, ladies! No, it’s not a term of endearment, maggots! Now, drop and give me twenty! No, not push-ups, that was yesterday. You’re doing burpees today!
You’ll be doing 40 burpees per minute while I give you the 5 rules of real money gaming and then, as you rest for a minute, you’ll be repeating them ad nauseam. READY! SET! GO! Faster, you worthless piece of scum! Did you know that military recruits were performing 41 burpees per minute back in 1946? You surely aren’t in worse shape than your frickin great-ghrandfathers, are you?
Rule 1: Grab the Best Welcome Bonus!
Anybody can sign up for a casino but picking one that offers an excellent welcome bonus with favourable conditions is not for fools. Don’t get hooked on the amount – getting a large sum of money is worthless if you don’t have the time to turn it over, for example – but rather use your grey matter and read the fine print. Yes, thinking hurts your brain but it will be good for your wallet in the long run, so get to it. Settle on a site that offers a good first deposit bonus but also a good selection of games that contribute to the wagering requirements and a good validity period.
Rule 2: Play Progressive Jackpot Slots!
Yes, dummy, I’m not gonna get tired of saying it! Pick a slot machine with a nice jackpot to play at! Cute moving pictures may be entertaining but fun and games don’t pay the bills. If it doesn’t have a heap of cash to offer, why waste your time on it? There sure are plenty of slot machines that do have life-changing jackpots in store for even a maggot like yourself. Don’t like slots? Don’t make me laugh! Suck it up at least till you’ve turned that bonus over the required number of times. Don’t you know slots have a 100% contribution to the playthrough requirements? What a fool would play a game with the measly 8% contribution then, huh?
Rule 3: Pick the Best Online Casino!
I’ve already mentioned that registering at a casino is easy – there’re practically hundreds of them – but picking a really good one takes a talent and an eye for detail. And then, there are the best online casino sites – those are the ones you want to play at, because there’s much more to it than just welcome bonuses. There’s safety and security, a variety of payment options and games, and many more points to consider. But don’t worry your heads too much or you’ll forget how to hold your rifle. I’ll make it easy for ya – play at 888 Casino, which was awarded the title “The Best Online Casino of the Year” by realmoney.co.uk.
I said I’d give you 5 rules but since you ain’t the smartest recruits around, I’ll keep it simple and stay with 3 rules for now. In that respect, you’re not dumber than a box of rocks – you’re dumber than the box the rocks came in. REREAT, PRIVATE!